My Space & Your Space

In one of my all-time favorite movies, Dirty Dancing, the sultry, talented protagonist Johnny is teaching his new temporary partner how to dance.  He holds his arms out in a frame facing her and says, “This is my dance space. This is your dance space. I don’t go into yours, you don’t go into mine. You gotta hold the frame.”

This scene illustrates so perfectly what happens in a relationship between two people with healthy self-esteem.  I hold my space to live and you hold yours and together, we dance.  

One of the least talked about and greatest casualties of low self-esteem in our world is the ability to let someone else believe differently than you do, to let them live differently or to let them choose differently without feeling threatened or without needing to force them into your own space or way of thinking.  People with low self-esteem have an exceptionally hard time “holding their space” and they have an even harder time allowing others to do the same. 

I can celebrate the tattoo on your shoulder and how much you love it without needing to get one on mine.  I can admire your ability to walk into any room and meet every person there while only needing to meet two or three to have as much fun.  I can listen to your opposing perspective on controversial political issues and still respect you while holding my own views that are very different. 

I can hold my space.

You can hold your different, even opposing space.

AND we can dance.

People with low self-esteem also can usually only be in relationships with people who have the same beliefs they do because their ideas are so closely tied to their identity. They can’t stand the disagreement or the challenge. It is too risky, too hard to tolerate, too awkward. Even worse, they hide or sacrifice their beliefs at the altar of fitting in or being liked or avoiding conflict.

As we navigate our world today more than ever before, we often come face to face with our own insecurities through our relationships with others.

Is it okay to deeply love a person, yet vehemently disagree with what he or she is saying or posting? 

Can I open up my social circles and exposure to the world where COVID still lurks and at the same time allow my friends and family who are more cautious to remain at home without judgment? 

Can I sit over a meal or a cup of coffee with someone whose ballot was the opposite of my own and cultivate a meaningful friendship anyhow?  

What if what the people around me are saying or doing isn’t RIGHT (according to MY story, my perspective, my upbringing, my culture, my faith)? 

Can I believe differently and still be his or her friend? 

Can I listen without needing to validate my own opinions and perspective? 

Is my self-esteem strong enough to celebrate the difference?

The challenge is essentially the same one Johnny gave to Baby in Dirty Dancing.  Can you hold your space, believing what you choose, while allowing me to hold mine, a space that is perhaps totally different than yours? When we do this, when we surrender our own need to be right, when we listen, when we step toward those who are different and maybe even grab hold of their hand, we can create a beautiful new dance, one of difference and diversity and strength.