Are you riding the rollercoaster of catastrophe?
My social media memories are currently flooded with images from the launch of I See You, which happened one year ago last week. As I encounter each picture, I have reflected on the many lessons I’ve learned as a first-time author.
There is one lesson that seems to repeat itself in my life and work in different iterations and it popped to the surface in this new creative space with a vengeance. Simply put, my very active brain is at high risk of constantly and quickly swinging from fantasy to catastrophe.
Let me explain with a story.
When you publish a book, preorders for the book open months before the book is officially “published.” During this entire stretch, the author can’t access the online dashboard that shows how many books have sold, so while you know anecdotally that people are buying books, but you don’t know how many.
During this initial launch period, my brain landed on a number of how many books I thought had been sold. I have no idea how I picked the number as I have no experience with publishing and have never launched a book, but over the many months of writing and then going through the editing and publishing process, I grew very attached to that number as a signifier of success. I frequently visualized opening the report on my computer and seeing the number I had chosen as a signifier of success. When they number showed up in my imagination, I felt proud, excited, and like a successful first-time author.
The day finally arrived when I got access to my dashboard, and I popped onto a Zoom call with someone from my publishing company whose job was to teach me how to read all of the sales reports. She patiently walked through page after page of what felt like useless information as I anxiously waited to be able to see…the number. I wanted to know the grand total of books that had been sold during the preorder window.
When I finally clicked my mouse and opened the page, the woman’s helpful voice faded into the background and my heart started racing. The number was about a third of what I expected it to be. I felt the disappointment descend to my stomach, like a physical blow; I was crushed. My mind hopped onto a violent roller coaster ride of catastrophizing that sounded something like this: “I should have never written the book. This whole thing is a flop. The book isn’t going to sell very many copies. I wasn’t ready to be an author. What was I thinking putting this into the world? This is so embarrassing.”
Through the haze of disappointment and my swirling brain, I vaguely remember the staff member of the publishing company saying, “This number is exceptional for a first-time author.” I scoffed, brushing aside her compliment. My lofty, unrealistic expectations had been crushed. And they left some emotional carnage in their wake.
Have you ever taken a ride on the mental “rollercoaster of catastrophe” like this one? Is this story hitting close to home for you? If yes, you’ll definitely recognize this pattern.
First, unrealistic expectations become well-rehearsed fantasy worlds that we visit frequently. Then, these fantasies become conditions for our joy and happiness before they crash into reality. Reality, which does not match our expectations and fantasy world, sends us into the spiral of catastrophe. We feel like we have “failed” and even worse, we can feel like we are a failure all together.
Over and over, our thoughts rise when we are living in fantasy and fall into catastrophe, like a roller coaster. This is exhausting and damaging. There are many negative impacts of taking a ride on this roller coaster, but the three I see most are these.
- Because you’re swirling in your head, you stop investing time and energy in the millimeter steps that would actually change reality and move it closer to what you want (in my case, taking the small daily steps that would sell more books).
- Your self-esteem takes a mighty blow. Starting with an unmet expectation, you experience a wave of deep disappointment, which often leads you to question your intrinsic value. This ride from fantasy to catastrophe is like a sucker punch to your self-esteem.
- You are robbed of being fully present in your life. You retreat into your mind, where you live in either a possible worst-case scenario or an unrealistic fantasy, but not in the actual reality of life.
The best part of my story happened the next day, when I was in the kitchen with my 18-year-old son, Anthony. Because the family knew I’d be finding out some sales data soon, he asked me if I had any numbers yet. I sighed, looked down at my hands and told him in a despondent voice that I was really disappointed, even crushed that the sales weren’t as high as I had expected them to be.
He paused for a second, contemplating, then cocked his head and looked at me with a perplexed expression and asked, “Mom, isn’t today just the second day?”
Ugh. Yep.
A healthy dose of truth from the mouth of my 6 foot 5 inch tall babe washed over me.
It was only the second day after launching my first book, and my brain swung so fast and so far from fantasy to catastrophe that I had labeled the entire endeavor a “failure!” Even worse, I had labeled myself as a failure because of one number on a computer screen! That’s not fair or accurate! His question jerked me back to reality and I realized what had happened so quickly in my subconscious mind.
If you can relate and your brain can quickly move from fantasy or catastrophe, I want you to note that risk of this happening doesn’t usually go away. The same powerful imagination that creates this risk also allows you to dream and create and it’s a vital part of your natural genius. However, you can learn to catch it faster, which allows you to more quickly get back to the actual work of creating what you want. Instead of two weeks that I might have walked around feeling a bit disappointed or bummed, I consider it a win that this time, it was only two days! With just one question, I was instantly able to make a significant inner shift.
If you’re curious about your own subconscious habits of thinking, I have a tool for you. It’s called the Habit Finder, and it’s what I use in my work with clients. You can take it for free on my website. You’ll get the fascinating results in an instant.
Here’s a link. I hope you’ll take a peek at what’s happening inside of your mind today: https://amykemp.com/habit-finder-assessment/